A breakdown begins

Back in 2004 I had a nervous breakdown and I tried to kill myself. It stemmed from post pardon depression and being off meds and moving to a new state etc. I never came back from it the same and it costs me a lot. As I continue on this journey to a new me I find myself filled with more stress and more agitated. I feel like everything is coming to head and I just was going to explode. The other night I had a breakdown, not to the extent of what happened in 2004 but similar. I even blew up at David and we got into a huge fight. I think we're still together but things are different. I just wanted to end it. I hate my apartment and I am stuck. I don't have the money to move and this place is so small and expensive and it's a piece of crap. I have a neighbor that I just can't stand. I try not to judge but how she isn't in a loony bin I don't know she is really out there, maybe she's an alien disguised as a human. My littlest has become so mouthy and rude she's out of control. I've tried everything and it just makes things worse. She is even becoming physical with her brother and he is double her age and size. My 2 teenagers. My oldest is really out of control, she is heading down a path that doesn't have anywhere to go but bad, and my son, he is so embarrassed by me that the idea of me going to his school to talk to teachers to see how to best help him sends him into a fit of rage. He won't clean his room. No matter what I do. He must love the smell and mess even though it affects the rest of the house. We fight all the time. I feel as though my kids hate me, they have no respect for me, no manners, no common sense. I try to teach them better but it goes in one ear and out the other. I feel as if I am a bad mother and it makes me feel hate back. To do this surgery it talks about stress and making changes and family and friends being willing to make some changes too but I don't see that happening. I grow anxious because I sent the paperwork in and still haven't gotten a phone call from the doctor yet. I feel everything just kind of came apart. I feel so alone. I miss being loved. My grandma loved me unconditionally and I miss being held and told "I Love You". I know David cares, he shows it in is own way, but sometimes he doesn't show it when he should and when I need it the most. I really wish he would tell me he loved me. They say actions speak louder than words but sometimes hearing the words at the right moment can do a whole lot. I have faith in God though, and that's a good thing.

My obsticale course

So I have found life very difficult since I decided to start the process for my weight loss surgery. I don't baby sit on a regular basis anymore which means the funds in which I need for the surgery are no longer happening. I have found my kids to be more out of control and mouthy and disrespectful and their lack of caring and empathy is non existent. There is tension between David and I. We had little intimacy before but now it seems non existent, he made a promise to me and didn't keep it. Things keep happening that raise the stress levels. I crave that soda so bad or hell even a beer would be nice however I know that I can't. All the research I did said that if I do the surgery it is a life changing event and that they like people to begin the changes prior to surgery as a way to show commitment to change so I mustn't cave. I feel alone. My biggest supporter lives 3 1/2 hours away. I talked to her recently and she told me even her family was happy for me. With all this technology why haven't they found a way to invent the Star Trek teleporter. I feel like I am not me anymore. I feel like ever since I made this decision I have no life, no control, I am alone, I am no longer me. I blog because even if no one reads it I feel it gives me that chance to talk, to open up. I have Tif but it is so hard for us to have time on the phone. I wish we lived close to each other again. I worry what the future holds. I mean if I am feeling this way now, if I am going through this now and I have only begun the paperwork process what will become of me once that paperwork is faxed in? I think the thing holding me back the most is money. I will need my portion of the funds that insurance won't cover which I understand, plus my appointments and everything are in Salt Lake and I don't have a dependable vehicle to get me to and from. I can't depend on anybody. Every time I do something happens and it falls through. David and I got in a fight about it all this morning. I was trying to open up, to express my concerns, turn to him for solutions and he just told me not to get the surgery then and he was sick of hearing about it. So I told him I wouldn't bring it up to him anymore and that means I lost the closest thing I had to a support system that didn't live 3 1/2 hours away. I think back to my childhood and I remember my mom, my grandma, my great aunt all being big and I guess because I grew up around it I wasn't bothered by it. I remember I would eat like crazy and grandma would joke I had hollow legs and they would fill up one day and they did. I also remember how athletic I use to be. I use to love the water. I couldn't get enough of swimming. Now I am too big to even fit in my swimsuit. I use to run marathons and track and now just to run a few feet I am out of breath and having an asthma attack. I look back at my Senior Year of High School and remember how thin and pretty I was and now I struggle to look in the mirror to do my hair. That's why I have gotten in the habit of brushing it and putting it in a ponytail that way I can avoid looking. I feel as if my life as become an obstacle course and the farther down the road I go the harder I try the more hurdles are put up. I feel myself heading right towards a sink hole.

My journey continues

I have begun the steps I need to take for the surgery and I am trying to start the eating habits that I know I will have to have. I must say that need for a soda is strong. The stress levels in my life are high and that's not good. The stress can lead to unhealthy eating habits like snacking. I have a challenge ahead of me that's for sure. I hope I can do it. According to the seminar there are 4 steps of commitment, the first being family, I think I am going to end up with a 3 step commitment. I do feel stressed about the process and I am doubtful I will be approved. I am hanging in there though. I mean after all I am only at the first step.

The weightloss journey begins

So I have begun the process to see if I can hopefully get the weight loss surgery. I come from a family that has struggled with obesity and a few of those relatives died sooner than they should have because the weight issues contributed to health issues. I have struggled since my early 20's with this issue reaching a weight has high as 343lbs at one point. I get off the soda, I will exercise, I will count the calories, do this and do that. I will see pounds drop and then I hit a stand still and I will wait and wait and wait for a change and then boom the weight goes up instead of down. With the weight gain comes the depression, the discouragement. My life like all of us is filled with stress. For me I turn to the soda as a stress reducer as it is the lesser of 2 evils when compared to alcohol. I think part of my struggle is my support system. Yes I have one however it is weak. It's not as strong as it should be. I guess I should count myself lucky though some people have no one. I have a younger sister who is such a health fanatic and she does all of this stuff and she tries to preach to me about this healthy style and that one and so forth and what she doesn't understand is I am not her and that my brain doesn't work like that and that I actually end up feeling more over whelmed and discouraged. Which makes it hard for me to talk to her. She doesn't mean for that happen. She is so pretty and skinny too, and she has an amazing family, a great and terrific husband and 2 of the cutest most precious boys. She's super smart too. She just does all this amazing stuff. Even though I am older she is older mental and maturely. I wish I could have even a 16th of her will power, her strength and her smarts. I don't and I never will we are 2 different individuals with 2 different paths in life. I have my mom, my mom is my mom and nothing can change that. We have never been close and we very rarely see eye to eye. She causes me stress but I am all she has. It's hard for me to talk to her. I feel she doesn't understand me and judges me. She does offer advice, she does try to be helpful but sometimes in her execution of the advice it comes across as heartless or just isn't supportive. She's of course not really this way that's just how we have always communicated. I do have a step mom, her and I have a closer relationship it's just that she lives farther away from me and with her husband retired they are living their lives and dreams and doing things they had to put on hold because of raising their family which was a stressful time for them. I love her and I talk to her when I can but I try really hard to give her her time, her space let her and her husband enjoy retirement and not be boggled down. Then there is my boyfriend. We have been together almost a year and we are still only dating, which I guess isn't a bad thing but when you know the reasoning behind us not being at the next step it's frustrating. He like many of us got married and it ended badly leaving him so scarred and hurt he just won't let it go and move on, realize I'm not her. He had to move back home so he could work on getting back on his feet and he tends to use his parents as an excuse. We could take the next step I am ready for the next step but he's stuck. When he's around our time is amazing, when he lets himself he is an amazing lover, he's kind and gentle. He does care I know he does his fear of the past just stops him in his tracks for the future. If I get this suregery I will need him more than ever and I don't know if he can do that for me. I will continue to be patient with him for I do love him and I care about him greatly. Then I have my bestest friend in the whole wide world! She has been great! We have been friends almost 16years! And let me tell you the things we have been thru together and survived and done I don't think a lot of marriages could handle. We have been thru thick and thin. She's the best, the thing that sucks she lives like 3hours from me and when you don't have a dependable vehicle that can travel it makes it hard to see each other. She just had weightloss surgery back in Jan. and she knows and understands better than anyone what journey I am about take. I only wish she could be here physically. I need to loose the weight I watched what it did to my grandma and I don't want to go thru that. I also hate not having anything to wear. I am tired of just settling. I fear that I won't be approved though or if I am approved it will fail. One look at my house and you would understand. My kids, well that is a blog in itself but lets just say that even though they complain about me being fat and are sick of me looking the way I do they certainly don't do anything to help the situation. All I can do at this point is the paperwork, the online videos, and the appointment and then wait. Just wait. It's all a waiting game at this point. I plan on blogging more about this issue the ups and the downs.