A breakdown begins

Back in 2004 I had a nervous breakdown and I tried to kill myself. It stemmed from post pardon depression and being off meds and moving to a new state etc. I never came back from it the same and it costs me a lot. As I continue on this journey to a new me I find myself filled with more stress and more agitated. I feel like everything is coming to head and I just was going to explode. The other night I had a breakdown, not to the extent of what happened in 2004 but similar. I even blew up at David and we got into a huge fight. I think we're still together but things are different. I just wanted to end it. I hate my apartment and I am stuck. I don't have the money to move and this place is so small and expensive and it's a piece of crap. I have a neighbor that I just can't stand. I try not to judge but how she isn't in a loony bin I don't know she is really out there, maybe she's an alien disguised as a human. My littlest has become so mouthy and rude she's out of control. I've tried everything and it just makes things worse. She is even becoming physical with her brother and he is double her age and size. My 2 teenagers. My oldest is really out of control, she is heading down a path that doesn't have anywhere to go but bad, and my son, he is so embarrassed by me that the idea of me going to his school to talk to teachers to see how to best help him sends him into a fit of rage. He won't clean his room. No matter what I do. He must love the smell and mess even though it affects the rest of the house. We fight all the time. I feel as though my kids hate me, they have no respect for me, no manners, no common sense. I try to teach them better but it goes in one ear and out the other. I feel as if I am a bad mother and it makes me feel hate back. To do this surgery it talks about stress and making changes and family and friends being willing to make some changes too but I don't see that happening. I grow anxious because I sent the paperwork in and still haven't gotten a phone call from the doctor yet. I feel everything just kind of came apart. I feel so alone. I miss being loved. My grandma loved me unconditionally and I miss being held and told "I Love You". I know David cares, he shows it in is own way, but sometimes he doesn't show it when he should and when I need it the most. I really wish he would tell me he loved me. They say actions speak louder than words but sometimes hearing the words at the right moment can do a whole lot. I have faith in God though, and that's a good thing.