My obsticale course

So I have found life very difficult since I decided to start the process for my weight loss surgery. I don't baby sit on a regular basis anymore which means the funds in which I need for the surgery are no longer happening. I have found my kids to be more out of control and mouthy and disrespectful and their lack of caring and empathy is non existent. There is tension between David and I. We had little intimacy before but now it seems non existent, he made a promise to me and didn't keep it. Things keep happening that raise the stress levels. I crave that soda so bad or hell even a beer would be nice however I know that I can't. All the research I did said that if I do the surgery it is a life changing event and that they like people to begin the changes prior to surgery as a way to show commitment to change so I mustn't cave. I feel alone. My biggest supporter lives 3 1/2 hours away. I talked to her recently and she told me even her family was happy for me. With all this technology why haven't they found a way to invent the Star Trek teleporter. I feel like I am not me anymore. I feel like ever since I made this decision I have no life, no control, I am alone, I am no longer me. I blog because even if no one reads it I feel it gives me that chance to talk, to open up. I have Tif but it is so hard for us to have time on the phone. I wish we lived close to each other again. I worry what the future holds. I mean if I am feeling this way now, if I am going through this now and I have only begun the paperwork process what will become of me once that paperwork is faxed in? I think the thing holding me back the most is money. I will need my portion of the funds that insurance won't cover which I understand, plus my appointments and everything are in Salt Lake and I don't have a dependable vehicle to get me to and from. I can't depend on anybody. Every time I do something happens and it falls through. David and I got in a fight about it all this morning. I was trying to open up, to express my concerns, turn to him for solutions and he just told me not to get the surgery then and he was sick of hearing about it. So I told him I wouldn't bring it up to him anymore and that means I lost the closest thing I had to a support system that didn't live 3 1/2 hours away. I think back to my childhood and I remember my mom, my grandma, my great aunt all being big and I guess because I grew up around it I wasn't bothered by it. I remember I would eat like crazy and grandma would joke I had hollow legs and they would fill up one day and they did. I also remember how athletic I use to be. I use to love the water. I couldn't get enough of swimming. Now I am too big to even fit in my swimsuit. I use to run marathons and track and now just to run a few feet I am out of breath and having an asthma attack. I look back at my Senior Year of High School and remember how thin and pretty I was and now I struggle to look in the mirror to do my hair. That's why I have gotten in the habit of brushing it and putting it in a ponytail that way I can avoid looking. I feel as if my life as become an obstacle course and the farther down the road I go the harder I try the more hurdles are put up. I feel myself heading right towards a sink hole.