Stuck between a rock and a hard place

So I have been doing what I need to in order to start the weight loss surgery. I swear things keep happening! For example I baby sit like 11 different kids and what do I have to show for it nothing. I am trying to be patient and understanding and work with people but I am not getting anywhere. Then the car broke down again. I knew it was coming but I was hoping it could last a little longer. My child support has been messed up lately so I never know when I am going to receive a payment so when I have a bill due that is dependent upon that money I have to get into surgery money to pay it, or if I need money for a co-pay, or something else that comes up. I have so many ads on the classifieds and Facebook. I am willing to part with items I love, that I have had for awhile. The surgery would be life changing and after seeing my best friend who had the surgery in Jan. I am excited to do it, despite all the hurdles. Thankfully my boyfriend has been supportive and since the car broke down he has really been there. I love him so much and some days he's the happiest part of my day. As of right now I just have a "fund", it's not for surgery or a car it's just savings. I am still trying to figure out how to pull both off. I don't want to give up yet. The diet changes have been super hard, I actually find myself feeling hungrier and my cravings are so out of control. The good news I have stayed off the soda for about 2 months now. I still need to reduce the stress in my life. That will probably never happen, I am working on it though. I just hope the hurdles become less and less instead of increasing.

A breakdown begins

Back in 2004 I had a nervous breakdown and I tried to kill myself. It stemmed from post pardon depression and being off meds and moving to a new state etc. I never came back from it the same and it costs me a lot. As I continue on this journey to a new me I find myself filled with more stress and more agitated. I feel like everything is coming to head and I just was going to explode. The other night I had a breakdown, not to the extent of what happened in 2004 but similar. I even blew up at David and we got into a huge fight. I think we're still together but things are different. I just wanted to end it. I hate my apartment and I am stuck. I don't have the money to move and this place is so small and expensive and it's a piece of crap. I have a neighbor that I just can't stand. I try not to judge but how she isn't in a loony bin I don't know she is really out there, maybe she's an alien disguised as a human. My littlest has become so mouthy and rude she's out of control. I've tried everything and it just makes things worse. She is even becoming physical with her brother and he is double her age and size. My 2 teenagers. My oldest is really out of control, she is heading down a path that doesn't have anywhere to go but bad, and my son, he is so embarrassed by me that the idea of me going to his school to talk to teachers to see how to best help him sends him into a fit of rage. He won't clean his room. No matter what I do. He must love the smell and mess even though it affects the rest of the house. We fight all the time. I feel as though my kids hate me, they have no respect for me, no manners, no common sense. I try to teach them better but it goes in one ear and out the other. I feel as if I am a bad mother and it makes me feel hate back. To do this surgery it talks about stress and making changes and family and friends being willing to make some changes too but I don't see that happening. I grow anxious because I sent the paperwork in and still haven't gotten a phone call from the doctor yet. I feel everything just kind of came apart. I feel so alone. I miss being loved. My grandma loved me unconditionally and I miss being held and told "I Love You". I know David cares, he shows it in is own way, but sometimes he doesn't show it when he should and when I need it the most. I really wish he would tell me he loved me. They say actions speak louder than words but sometimes hearing the words at the right moment can do a whole lot. I have faith in God though, and that's a good thing.

My obsticale course

So I have found life very difficult since I decided to start the process for my weight loss surgery. I don't baby sit on a regular basis anymore which means the funds in which I need for the surgery are no longer happening. I have found my kids to be more out of control and mouthy and disrespectful and their lack of caring and empathy is non existent. There is tension between David and I. We had little intimacy before but now it seems non existent, he made a promise to me and didn't keep it. Things keep happening that raise the stress levels. I crave that soda so bad or hell even a beer would be nice however I know that I can't. All the research I did said that if I do the surgery it is a life changing event and that they like people to begin the changes prior to surgery as a way to show commitment to change so I mustn't cave. I feel alone. My biggest supporter lives 3 1/2 hours away. I talked to her recently and she told me even her family was happy for me. With all this technology why haven't they found a way to invent the Star Trek teleporter. I feel like I am not me anymore. I feel like ever since I made this decision I have no life, no control, I am alone, I am no longer me. I blog because even if no one reads it I feel it gives me that chance to talk, to open up. I have Tif but it is so hard for us to have time on the phone. I wish we lived close to each other again. I worry what the future holds. I mean if I am feeling this way now, if I am going through this now and I have only begun the paperwork process what will become of me once that paperwork is faxed in? I think the thing holding me back the most is money. I will need my portion of the funds that insurance won't cover which I understand, plus my appointments and everything are in Salt Lake and I don't have a dependable vehicle to get me to and from. I can't depend on anybody. Every time I do something happens and it falls through. David and I got in a fight about it all this morning. I was trying to open up, to express my concerns, turn to him for solutions and he just told me not to get the surgery then and he was sick of hearing about it. So I told him I wouldn't bring it up to him anymore and that means I lost the closest thing I had to a support system that didn't live 3 1/2 hours away. I think back to my childhood and I remember my mom, my grandma, my great aunt all being big and I guess because I grew up around it I wasn't bothered by it. I remember I would eat like crazy and grandma would joke I had hollow legs and they would fill up one day and they did. I also remember how athletic I use to be. I use to love the water. I couldn't get enough of swimming. Now I am too big to even fit in my swimsuit. I use to run marathons and track and now just to run a few feet I am out of breath and having an asthma attack. I look back at my Senior Year of High School and remember how thin and pretty I was and now I struggle to look in the mirror to do my hair. That's why I have gotten in the habit of brushing it and putting it in a ponytail that way I can avoid looking. I feel as if my life as become an obstacle course and the farther down the road I go the harder I try the more hurdles are put up. I feel myself heading right towards a sink hole.

My journey continues

I have begun the steps I need to take for the surgery and I am trying to start the eating habits that I know I will have to have. I must say that need for a soda is strong. The stress levels in my life are high and that's not good. The stress can lead to unhealthy eating habits like snacking. I have a challenge ahead of me that's for sure. I hope I can do it. According to the seminar there are 4 steps of commitment, the first being family, I think I am going to end up with a 3 step commitment. I do feel stressed about the process and I am doubtful I will be approved. I am hanging in there though. I mean after all I am only at the first step.

The weightloss journey begins

So I have begun the process to see if I can hopefully get the weight loss surgery. I come from a family that has struggled with obesity and a few of those relatives died sooner than they should have because the weight issues contributed to health issues. I have struggled since my early 20's with this issue reaching a weight has high as 343lbs at one point. I get off the soda, I will exercise, I will count the calories, do this and do that. I will see pounds drop and then I hit a stand still and I will wait and wait and wait for a change and then boom the weight goes up instead of down. With the weight gain comes the depression, the discouragement. My life like all of us is filled with stress. For me I turn to the soda as a stress reducer as it is the lesser of 2 evils when compared to alcohol. I think part of my struggle is my support system. Yes I have one however it is weak. It's not as strong as it should be. I guess I should count myself lucky though some people have no one. I have a younger sister who is such a health fanatic and she does all of this stuff and she tries to preach to me about this healthy style and that one and so forth and what she doesn't understand is I am not her and that my brain doesn't work like that and that I actually end up feeling more over whelmed and discouraged. Which makes it hard for me to talk to her. She doesn't mean for that happen. She is so pretty and skinny too, and she has an amazing family, a great and terrific husband and 2 of the cutest most precious boys. She's super smart too. She just does all this amazing stuff. Even though I am older she is older mental and maturely. I wish I could have even a 16th of her will power, her strength and her smarts. I don't and I never will we are 2 different individuals with 2 different paths in life. I have my mom, my mom is my mom and nothing can change that. We have never been close and we very rarely see eye to eye. She causes me stress but I am all she has. It's hard for me to talk to her. I feel she doesn't understand me and judges me. She does offer advice, she does try to be helpful but sometimes in her execution of the advice it comes across as heartless or just isn't supportive. She's of course not really this way that's just how we have always communicated. I do have a step mom, her and I have a closer relationship it's just that she lives farther away from me and with her husband retired they are living their lives and dreams and doing things they had to put on hold because of raising their family which was a stressful time for them. I love her and I talk to her when I can but I try really hard to give her her time, her space let her and her husband enjoy retirement and not be boggled down. Then there is my boyfriend. We have been together almost a year and we are still only dating, which I guess isn't a bad thing but when you know the reasoning behind us not being at the next step it's frustrating. He like many of us got married and it ended badly leaving him so scarred and hurt he just won't let it go and move on, realize I'm not her. He had to move back home so he could work on getting back on his feet and he tends to use his parents as an excuse. We could take the next step I am ready for the next step but he's stuck. When he's around our time is amazing, when he lets himself he is an amazing lover, he's kind and gentle. He does care I know he does his fear of the past just stops him in his tracks for the future. If I get this suregery I will need him more than ever and I don't know if he can do that for me. I will continue to be patient with him for I do love him and I care about him greatly. Then I have my bestest friend in the whole wide world! She has been great! We have been friends almost 16years! And let me tell you the things we have been thru together and survived and done I don't think a lot of marriages could handle. We have been thru thick and thin. She's the best, the thing that sucks she lives like 3hours from me and when you don't have a dependable vehicle that can travel it makes it hard to see each other. She just had weightloss surgery back in Jan. and she knows and understands better than anyone what journey I am about take. I only wish she could be here physically. I need to loose the weight I watched what it did to my grandma and I don't want to go thru that. I also hate not having anything to wear. I am tired of just settling. I fear that I won't be approved though or if I am approved it will fail. One look at my house and you would understand. My kids, well that is a blog in itself but lets just say that even though they complain about me being fat and are sick of me looking the way I do they certainly don't do anything to help the situation. All I can do at this point is the paperwork, the online videos, and the appointment and then wait. Just wait. It's all a waiting game at this point. I plan on blogging more about this issue the ups and the downs.

The New Neighbor

Ok so I don't like it when I am judged from the start when entering a new situation, I understand people have struggles we all do we have been there done that. I know it is scary when you move to a new place and are starting over. I know kids can be difficult and hard to handle. However even with all this in mind nothing has prepared me for my new neighbor. She is a nightmare! Instead of being home during the day getting her moving done she waits until dark and then BOOM! the noise begins. 3 nights in a row I haven't been able to really sleep because her and her kids are up until 12:30, 1:00 in the morning! I tried to talk to her today and OMG! you can not speak to this woman!!!! She cries, she interrupts, she has excuses, she is a piece of work. Then she tells me she can't handle her kids, they don't know what the word No means and that she just got them back and that she is trying to use the skills she learned in the parenting classes she took while at the battered women's shelter. Blah, Blah, Blah. I am seriously going to loose my mind. My kids are tired, now that spring break is over I am hoping to see an improvement, even though my kids are buttheads at home they are good students and need their sleep. I did find out when quiet hours are so tonight I am done talking to her if she and the kids are being overly loud I will call the Police and tomorrow I am calling the landlord. I may have a piece of crap apartment and it may be small and expensive but I am stuck here and I have been for 3 years and I am not going to let the crack addict rule over me. I was lucky enough to have 2 sets of great neighbors and lots of time just to myself. I know I need to share and I understand this is a duplex but I was still here first and I have established ground. She is in for a rude awaking with me because I will not will not put up with her crap!

The avalanche is starting

I have lived in my place for 3yrs. I have put up with a tight space, high rent, poor water pressure and lack of a lawnmower and screens on my windows. When I moved in I had awesome neighbors and they moved away and the place sat empty for awhile then they moved back. They again moved the place sat and I again got neighbors who were also awesome then they too moved. While the place sat empty I became accustomed to having the property to myself and when people would come around to look I'd show them the place. It wasn't my job either. Well now I have neighbors and I am not happy about it. So there is one rock tumbling down, then my landlord thinks my boyfriend David is living with me just because he's over all the time I mean we're dating so wouldn't that mean we spend time together? So now the stress of that has caused another rock. I have started doing babysitting from my home for very little money and I really don't have any kids but add them and my kids especially this week since it's spring break it equals chaos! My oldest daughter Ally is ssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh a drama queen! And she admits nothing even when she gets caught and it's a meltdown whenever you say something to her. Tonight we all tried to dye eggs and that was a joke. The eggs got done though. So there is another rock. Pat is homeless again and has turned to me for help. David is fine with it as long as it helps with Codi. I am already feeling anxiety over it. I want to help him but I know I am going to hear about it. I am trying to talk my landlord into working with Pat for a 2 bedroom or work with me on a 4 bedroom but I am not getting anywhere. Boom another rock. The car, money, etc. etc. etc. each one being a rock. There for an avalanche. I know there is people out there going thru more then me, people out there with less then me so I shouldn't complain, I am trying not to complain but with the avalanche coming it's hard not too. I am strong at least so I have been told. I had dental work done the other day and ever since I have just been a space cadet. I am grateful for what I have, I love helping people, I am glad to be reconnected with my daughter I just am unthankful for the stress that seems to come with everything. I am hoping my new neighbors turn out good, I find such a thickness of anxiety inside and I feel as if I have to walk on pins and needles so to speak. Well until the next blog.

I'm in a relationship with a treadmill

So I have been dating an amazing man for almost 10 months and I feel we are moving and going no where. Just like a treadmill. You get on you move you work out your together for periods of time but you don't end up anywhere. The only thing that seems to be moving is time. Lately I just seem I guess you could say annoyed with the situation. I love him so much and there isn't much I wouldn't do for him but I won't put up with the lack of progress anymore. He is so proud to be lazy, he is openly admits his laziness. He basis our relationship off of how it was with his ex (which now I am starting to think she isn't as bad as he makes her seem) or he uses his parents. Why can't he just form his own opinion of our relationship based on our relationship? Don't even get me started on our sex life or lack of I should say. I have never met a man who uses his penis as little as he does. Any attempt on my end to spice up our love life, to add extra romance, to feel as if I am not on a treadmill he shoots it down. He becomes frustrated, agitated, annoyed. It's like today I showed him a book I got from my mom that talks about touch and how intimate touch is and his response was "Why do you always got to bring that stuff up when I come over?" My response was "Repetion is everything and that they say it takes the human brain 21 times of hearing something before they can learn it." I then left the room. I am thankful for my time with him I really am I just feel we are at a forever stand still. He doesn't care either. It doesn't bother him either, yet when he notices something is bothering me he doesn't like what I have to say. Relationships are suppose to be about compromise yet I seem to be the only one willing to try and to make changes. I really hope our treadmill of a relationship breaks soon and we are thrown hard into the wall of the next step. I just have to keep telling myself I Love him.

I'm Back!

Wow! I can't believe how much time has gone by since my last blog. I have had so many thoughts and ideas I just didn't have the time to sit down and blog. The house got super crazy. The computer and computer desk got lost in a mess of papers because my sweet children when they don't know where to put something it ends up on the desk. I uncovered it enough to use it but now I have a tote to the side of the desk that needs my attention. I have taken on babysitting jobs for very little pay but if it helps keep gas in the car for the month I'm ok. I have made lots of changes to the apartment which the landlord may or may not approve of but who cares. The changes have allowed a lot more room in the kitchen, now I am thinking about moving the computer desk into the kitchen to open up room in the living room. I mean after all when you are watching kids it is better to give them more play room in the living room then kitchen right? My blankets are coming along well. I still keep life is an adventure stuck in my head. Lately the adventurous road seems to be filled with speed bumps but I am trucking along just the same. I am not sure to the protocol of blogging if there is a limit of posts a day or not but now that the computer is free every time I have a blog idea I will be blogging. Until the next blog.

The power of service

I like to be charitable, I do things for others all year not just at Christmas. I often don't think about what it does to me or my future, I just think about the feelings of others. Well there is a fabric store that is having a moving sale and I ended up developing a blanket obsession. Every dollar I came into I bought fabric. I even bought some earlier this evening. I am filled with such joy, a better self image, a better self worth, also for the first time since my grandmother died almost 2 years ago I feel whole again. Well many people believe in Karma, What goes around comes around, Do unto others as you'd have done unto you, that type of stuff. It's all true. I went to Walmart tonight to buy batting for a blanket I am working on for a farewell gift and the cashier asked me "What You making?" I told her "Blankets", she then asked me how much I charged and I told her I do it for service, I donate the blankets. She was in aww, and asked me if I'd make her a blanket for her new grandbaby, she thinks what I am doing is amazing, she gave me her name and number and told me she was going to tell people about me and wanted to find me donations for my causes. I felt so good leaving the store. Later on as I was at the fabric store a lady was in there and heard me counting up what I had and talking to Codi my youngest child about staying in a dollar amount. She handed the cashier 25.00 and said that it was to help me out. I was so happy! That money allowed me to get fabric for a few more blankets. So you see being charitable and doing for others has it's rewards. I am not saying you need to have an obsession with a service project, or make doing service your main goal, however what I am saying is open your heart, put things aside, do good, do service. I think often times we get caught up in "I just can't afford to be charitable" as we drink a soda from McDonald's, or "I have to do for my family first" as we have a trunk filled with toys. I am in no way passing judgment on anyone. It's just that if we just stop and pause and think for just a moment we can soon see where we can reach out to others. It can be a once a month thing, a once a year thing, a daily thing, a weekly thing. It can be something as simple as donating a dollar to keeping baggies in the car with things for the homeless. Doing service is so rewarding, the feelings that you get from being selfless, being kind for no reason, expecting nothing in return, it's all so wonderful. I strongly encourage you to try it. Maybe you know someone who is charitable, like me, yet you pass judgment on them for doing too much, if you do then take a minute to pause and look at where they are coming from, put yourself in their shoes. I saw a commercial on T.V. that ended with "The world is what we make it" this is true if we want to work on the hate we need to practice the kindness. The Beatles said it best with "All you need is Love"

First Blog

Hello Blogging world! I know I am late getting into the blogging game but it's better late than never right? We all blog for different reasons and all get different things out of it, for me I am looking at it has another path in my adventure called life. Sometimes my blogs may be offensive, sometimes they may be sad, funny, filled with anger, heck may be just filled with pure randomness. As I spoke to my sister Aimee tonight about getting set up on a blog she made a comment: "It's like an online journal". I found this interesting, as I would never publish my journal or so I thought. She's right though, because what is journaling other then writing down our thoughts and events of the day and our feelings, may be some wishes and goals, so heart felt secrets, in essence blogging can be viewed the same way. I am excited to try this new path and see how far it takes me, to see if it is a long or short path taken. No one knows what the future holds, what lays ahead for each and everyone of us. I welcome you to join me on my path if you wish. Here's to blogging!